fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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