Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
