OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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