Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
