Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
