I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My dad just said "fuck circus"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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