I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
