this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
