JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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