barbara walters just said penis...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I will pee on everything he values.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
