He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
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You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
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Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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