I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
