i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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