True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
