I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
