I met the friendliest cop last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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