I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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