i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Of course I have a pirate flag
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
