Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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