It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
