If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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