Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
