ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
