I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
