Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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