take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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