My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
