i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
