This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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