Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
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im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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