i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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