remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
