I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
