if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
