You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
