My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
