not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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