WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
