is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
