Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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