dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
