it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS