you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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