you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
