Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
