omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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