The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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