I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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