We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
