Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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