I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
