i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
