Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
