Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
