so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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