Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
