I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
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My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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