3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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